Chapter 15

The Plight of Parents -- Some Suggestions for Families

I have often thought that the twelve years I spent in the Church of Scientology were a far worse ordeal for my parents than for me. For me, the problems came later, when I left the cult and was faced with reentry into the world I had abandoned twelve years earlier.

Losing a child must be the worst imaginable nightmare for any parent. The death or abduction of a child at any age can leave a parent with scars that never completely heal.

Losing a child to a cult can be equally traumatic for a parent; however, unlike the death of a child which can be mourned and resolved, having a child in a cult like Scientology presents the parent with a frustrating dilemma in the form of an unresolved and unresolvable loss. The child is gone -- perhaps for five years, perhaps for twelve, perhaps forever -- and the parent is left behind with the difficult task of reconciling feelings of both uncertainty and hope.

What I want to do in this chapter is provide a few tips for the parents of a Scientologist, written from the point of view of an ex-member. In other words, things that helped me or that I think would have helped me to escape from the cult.

In writing this chapter, I rely on the wisdom of others who are professionals or experts in the field of cult recovery, including: The Cult Awareness Network; The American Family Foundation in the book Cults: What Parents Should Know; Steve Hassan in his book Combatting Cult Mind Control; James and Marcia Rudin in their book Prison or Paradise; and R. K. Heller in the book Deprogramming for Do-It-Yourselfers.

The American Family Foundation gives a list of behaviors in a family member which may be indications that they are becoming involved in a destructive cult such as Scientology. For parents with a family member already in Scientology, many of the behaviors on this list will probably seem quite familiar.

1. Secretive behavior -- the person going out frequently but not wanting to say where he or she is going, or talking on the phone in a secretive manner, being vague about who is calling, etc.

2. Change in vocabulary or speech patterns -- especially important with this cult.

3. Emotional changes -- the once warm, loving and open family member who becomes cold and distant toward other family members.

4. Shift in friends and activities -- especially with new friends who also use unfamiliar vocabulary; spending long hours at night and on weekends at "the org" or "on course" is demanded of new Scientologists.

5. Rejection of secular goals -- the new Scientologist very quickly learns to shift his goals from secular activities (college, career, marriage, etc.) to goals within Scientology such as "going Clear or OT," "becoming a Class Eight auditor," etc.

6. Dubious financial activities -- Scientologists are under constant pressure to come up with more and more money. A warning sign would be a child asking to borrow large amounts of money, or trying to borrow money from a bank, or from relatives.

7. Disturbing sexual attitudes -- the person no longer dating or expressing an interest in marriage or family.

8. Abrupt marital decisions -- a child who abruptly severs a serious relationship with someone outside the cult and instead looks for a relationship within the cult.

9. Shifts in religious, philosophical or political views -- the student in Scientology learns from the beginning to discredit all forms of government, and all forms of traditional mental health, particularly psychiatrists. A sudden belief in past lives and a denigration of Christianity or other religions would be consistent with Scientology.

10. Extreme commitments -- such as the decision to sign a two and a half or five year contract to join "staff," or a billion year "Sea Org contract," which are the standard contracts for staff members in Scientology.

11. Unconventional lifestyle -- living communally and working long hours for a very small wage are typical within Scientology.

12. Changes in appearance -- Scientology staff members can appear somewhat unkempt because of the lack of money to buy adequate clothing and toiletries.

13. Vocational turnabouts -- the person will eventually abandon prior career plans in favor of a career as an "auditor" within Scientology (which has nothing to do with keeping books!) or deciding to join the Sea Org.

14. Indications of psychological distress -- overeating, oversleeping, outbursts of anger or depression may indicate increased psychological conflict.

15. Diminished academic performance -- the Scientologist still attending non-Scientology classes will probably lose interest in the secular classes as he or she spends more and more time on the cult courses, and will eventually drop out of school.

When a someone finds out that their family member is in Scientology, there are a number of common thoughts and feelings they might have, for example:

1. Guilt -- "What did we do wrong?" or, "It's all my fault."

2. Shame, embarrassment, self-consciousness -- "What will we tell the relatives?" or, "What will the neighbors think?"

3. Fear -- "What if we can't get him/her out?"

4. Accusations -- "It's all your fault," or, "If you hadn't been so/done X, this wouldn't be happening."

5. Bitterness toward life, God -- "God, why is this happening to me?"

6. Loneliness -- "I really miss her/him."

7. Sense of being burdened, overwhelmed -- "I just don't know what to do about all this."

8. Helplessness, incompetence -- "There isn't anything I can do about this."

9. Rejection, hurt -- "How could he/she have done this to me?"

10. Alarm -- "I am really worried about him/her."

Although many of these feelings are self-defeating, there are some very concrete things that a parent both can and should not do to maximize the chances of his or her child getting out of the cult. I have attempted to list these in order of priority:

• DON'T debate Scientology's ideology, methods or theology with the member in person, in letters or on the phone. Many parents, in their frustration, attempt to do this because they don't fully realize the effectiveness of the mind control that is controlling their family member. Scientology, through the use of the hypnotic Training Routing Zero and the repetitiveness of many of the auditing processes, has the member under a hypnotic trance as well as brainwashed, and it is not possible in most situations to use a rational approach to get them out of Scientology. It's like this: if a person is hypnotized to see a black dog in the middle of the room -- they can pet the dog, hear him bark, etc. -- telling him there is no dog in the room probably won't work. It's much the same as telling a committed Scientologist that Scientology is wrong. Instead of trying to reason directly with the person, you must use indirect methods. Trying to reach the person emotionally is one way of doing this.

• DO tell the person that you love them and let them know that your home is always open to them should they want to get away from the cult. There are many people in Scientology who are deeply unhappy and many who even want to leave, but who stay because they think they have no place to go.

• DON'T use a confrontational or condescending approach with the Scientologist. Never start or become engaged in an argument with him about Scientology. Even though you know you are right, understand that the Scientolgist also believes himself to be right about Scientology. An argument will only drive the person further away.

• DO keep your cool and try to control your emotional reactions, especially anger. If you can think of a time when someone was angry with you, you can understand that anger only increases feelings of defensiveness in the other person. Don't get angry at the cult member. As Steve Hassan says, it isn't his fault!!!

• DO try to appeal to the person's emotions, and don't be too upset if the person becomes angry. Sometimes parents become anxious during an exit counseling when the cult member becomes angry, when in fact the anger may be a good sign. The person is experiencing an honest emotion, possibly for the first time in a long time, and it may be the anger that helps to jump start the thinking processes. When talking or writing to the cult member, talk about current family happenings, talk about the friends the cult member had before joining the cult, try to stimulate old memories, do anything to appeal to the precult identity of the person. Send frequent letters, and have other family members and friends of the cult member send letters too. Send photographs -- this can be very effective. Make frequent phone calls and don't worry about the phone bill. It is also important to visit the Scientologist whenever possible. A personal visit will help to counter the cult propaganda that you are a Suppressive Person, or a Potential Trouble Source. When you visit, and the cult member finds himself happy to see you, it may cause the member to feel some confusion, but the confusion is a good thing as it will challenge the cult propaganda.

• DO get the cult member to come home for a visit whenever possible. Get a solid commitment from him as to the date. Invite the family member home for family functions, for holidays, even for a funeral. Keep the contact with the person alive in any way possible.

• DON'T ever tell the cult member that his views are ridiculous, absurd or wrong. Don't use the words "cult" or "deprogram" with the cult member as these will immediately identify you to him as a Suppressive Person.

• DO learn to practice active listening techniques with the cult member. Train yourself to listen to everything he has to say. Listen respectfully, ask questions which will cause the person to clarify or explain what was just said, especially when the person has just spouted some rote cult propaganda. Whenever possible, try to stimulate the thinking processes of the cult member. Encourage the cult member to talk about his or her experiences in the cult. Whenever possible, try to relate experiences from your past which are similar. Let the person know that you are trying to understand.

• DO become educated about the group. Read anything you can find about Scientology. Read books, magazines, newspapers. Take notes. Contact the anti-cult organizations for information. Even collect some of the cult propaganda. When you are educated, talk to other family members or former friends of the Scientologist to let them know what's happening. Supply them with facts and information to help them understand the situation.

• DO learn some of the key Scientology words such as: "clear," "reality," "auditor," "ethics" or "ethical," etc. and avoid using these words in conversation with the Scientologist. Using these words will have the effect of pulling the Scientology training and propaganda in on him and make it more difficult for you to achieve closeness in the relationship.

• DON'T send unsolicited critical articles in the mail to the Scientologist. He she won't read them, and will again identify you as a Suppressive Person (the enemy), making it harder for you to establish a relationship in the future. If there is an article you wish to share with the person, wait until you are alone with him and have more control over the situation. I do not know of any instance in which showing the Scientologist a critical article helped to get him out of Scientology; usually it has the opposite effect.

• DO be prepared, however, with information that you have collected. The person may come home at any time. Life in Scientology is not easy; some members do walk away from the organization because the conditions inside the cult became unbearable. This does not mean they are "out" of Scientology. But if they do come home and are disillusioned, it may be a time to very gently start to show them the other side of the story regarding Scientology.

• DON'T try, however, to get the person out of Scientology by yourself, if there is an alternative. You and the cult member are too emotionally involved for you to be effective in counseling the person out of Scientology. If the Scientologist does come home for any reason try to find an ex-Scientologist or an ex-member from another cult who is familiar with Scientology to talk to your family member. If the Scientologist has to admit that he is wrong, it will be much easier for him to do with a neutral person than with a parent.

• DO ask the Scientologist still in the cult about his personal needs. Is he getting enough sleep? Is he eating enough? Are they getting medical care? Does he need a care package? If so, send one at once, or, better yet, take one to him. Small gifts of food, clothes, toiletries, etc. are usually much needed by the Scientologist.

• DON'T ever send cash or money, however, as it will immediately go to the cult, especially large amounts. Send small gifts instead. If the member wants to come home, send the plane ticket, not the cash. Most Scientologists are eager to do their "next level" in Scientology, and if you send money, that's where it will go. Especially avoid sending inheritance money. It would be better to keep that money set aside for the Scientologist until he or she comes out of the cult, when the money will be much needed for recovery.

• DON'T pay large amounts of money for deprogrammers or for legal aid until you have thoroughly checked out the credentials of the person in question. With exit counselors or deprogrammers, ask for the phone numbers of three or more familes who have used them, and call the families to ask about their experiences with the person.

• DON'T, if your child leaves Scientology, attempt to replace the cult experience with another religion, no matter how strong your own personal beliefs are. Don't try to witness to the Scientologist or the newly exited Scientologist. Show your love through what you do instead. Try to understand that the exiting cult member has had an extremely traumatic experience. He might not be ready for religion in any form for a long time. It's very similar to a person who has been through a traumatic divorce. The person might not want to date or remarry for a long time after the divorce, and it is the same in most cases with the ex-cult member and religion.

• DO get professional help for the ex-Scientologist, if possible with a counselor who has had some experience with former cult members and their special problems. Try to locate other ex-Scientologists in your area who can spend some time with your family member. Like any person who has gone through a painful experience, the ex-Scientologist may have a compulsive need to talk about the cult experience with someone outside the family.

• DON'T feel excessive guilt or shame about your family member's experience with the cult; these feelings only hinder effective action and are non-productive.

• DO find a support group of other families in your area who have had experiences similar to yours. The two organizations listed at the end of this chapter are the best resources available at this time to help you locate this support. There is no reason for you to feel alone. Thousands of families of all religious, economic and family backgrounds have been through what you are going through now.

• DON'T neglect your own needs or those of other family members. Even though you have a family member in Scientology, life must go on. Let the other children in the family know that even though you are concerned for the family member in Scientology, they are just as important to you.

• DO file written complaints with all the public officials you can find. In any way you can, take action against the cult. If you are aggressive against Scientology, they may decide it's not worth it to them, and they may send your family member home, hoping that will cause you to cease your actions against them. There is some disagreement with this, as your actions against Scientology may also alienate your family member who is in the cult. The best advice might be to check out anything you plan to do with someone else who knows Scientology. Certainly don't do anything rash or illegal.

• DON'T ever give up. You never know when your family member might come home. In my case it was after twelve long years that I arrived home with no warning. You must remember that no matter how strong or effective the mind control of the cult, it can never completely erase the years of love, nurturing, heredity, training and home environment the person had before Scientology. There is always hope.

For further information and referrals, feel free to contact

1. Cult Awareness Network
   2421 W. Pratt Blvd. Suite #1173
   Chicago, Illinois 60645 (312) 267-7777
   [WARNING!: The Cult Awareness Network was taken over by Scientology in a bankruptcy auction in October, 1996. Do not contact them for help with cults! -- Editor]

2. The American Family Foundation
   P.O. Box 2265
   Bonita Springs, Florida 33959 (212)249-7693